gotta love an after xmas sale

christmas is for kids!

story of the year.....made it just under the wire!

this ditty has it all: a fat mama with 73 chins, a cross-dressing 4 year old, jail, booze, and christmas cheer. white trash always looks best with a pretty festive ribbon on top!

don't forget the ball gag

i commissioned the following song as my xmas gift to my readers. i contributed a few gems, but this....it supercedes what i asked for.

enjoy!

rewind '09: angela lansbury's camel toe

EWH SHE IS TALKING ABOUT SEX!
EWHHHHH
EWHHHHEWHHHH

the best part is when miss jessica fletcher shows us some camel toe at :07.

murder, she wrote alright....this shit KILLED me!

rewind 09: what's wrong with people?

picture this: you are a tattoo artist. go with me here.

you make your coins by doing ugly celtic knots around the arms of frat boys. you tattoo the occasional long-stemmed rose on a boob here or there. sometimes you do red hearts with "mom" inscribed inside. you have perfected the perfect star shape from various shoulders, wrists, etc. your job is to cater to young kids who are in love for the first time and want to put their lover's name on their body. you do lame lame lame chinese symbols for things like "prosperity" and "strength" and other dumb shit like that.

but every once in a while, you get something interesting. a challenge! maybe it's a baby's footprint for a new father. perhaps it's a tribute to a person who died. a dog's face, perhaps?

life is fine. you meet interesting people. you know deep down that they will regret these tattoos in a mater of months and laugh to yourself inside about how dumb they are. you chuckle to yourself because you know anyone who walked in off the street and picked some "art" off the wall is just dumb....but you don't care. you take their money! as well you should.

then one day...someone comes in. "hey, i would like to create a lasting work of art in tribute to the late princess diana." ok, you think...interesting. then they say, "i'd like the horrible accident she suffered immortalized. i have a feeling she was impaled on dodi fayed's dick. oh, and i am sure the car was a mercedes, so please include that imprint on her head".

you have the craziest job in the world. except maybe for the guy that works in the local morgue, who will one day have to describe the body of the remains. "on the lower left rear thigh, a tattoo of a princess in a tiara with a dark, veiny ejaculating penis that says DODI on it coming out of her mouth and her forehead is emblazoned with an automobile logo"

what makes this story even more foul is that i am fairly certain that the tattoo on the other leg is actually lindsay lohan.....i recognize the photo it was likely based on.

rewind on my selecta: 09

i am far too occupato with life at the moment to post very much....but since it is december, i can take the easy way out and do a "best of" type of thing.

i realize that a "best of" anything pertaining to this blog is kinda funny, but go with it. there have been a few key moments this year on the blog. together we have cried, we have laughed, we have mocked mariah, we have downloaded music, we have fed our egos, we have mocked mariah some more.....and then some.

when you see this symbol, that means it is a repost of an earlier entry from this year. the blog has gone from 2 readers to 4, so i want to make sure you didn't miss a moment of brilliance.

lick my ass!

i think the last "lick my ass list" really touched your souls deeply. thankfully, there is no shortage of people and things who can truly lick my ass. it is simply a list of irritants that need to fuck the hell off, because i never wanna hear from them or see their mugs again. this installation includes the following honorees:

TIGER WOODS - who in the hell cares! it's about time the world realizes that a famous man with mucho dinero will always grab some side poonanie. it is a fact. golddiggers are everywhere and the hetero man likes the hoo-ha. enough said. but i do lovvvve that his wife tried to honk him down with his clubs. brilllll. now grab that dough, blondie. at least you don't have to pretend he is cute anymore. he is most certainly not.

MEREDITH BAXTER - is there anyone who was under the impression that she might be a straight woman? that hairdo was a dead giveaway for years. it screamed "dinah shore golf weekend". plus, of course, she was always a little too keen on that mallory.

INFLATABLE XMAS DECORATIONS - i will not sleep until january, because i will be running around the entire country with a box of safety pins, stabbing those damn creations. i couldn't find them more repulsive. of course, they now have thanksgiving and halloween ones. so help me fucking god....if i see a blowup easter egg next year, i will surely fertilize the eggs....ok????

AL ROKER - ok let's all admit that the only reason they keep him around is to fill the multi-culti void....there is NO redeeming value to his ass in the morning. makes me want to go back to sleep.

SPAM - i don't know what it is, but this week i have about 50 emails about helping some sort of widow from a third world nation collect her dead husbands money somehow....some sort of refugees or maybe a faction of evildoers are trying to steal it. between that and the holiday "friends and family" sham discount emails, i have bounced my own server.

GLORIA ALLRED - i think she plans everything in celebrity news, because just when a celebrity scandal is about to hit, out she rolls with freshly frosted hair (yes, this is 2009 still). she goes straight from the salon to the podium to speak on behalf of her clients. she is the white female al sharpton. there, i said it.

busted

mariah carey, seen shopping at walmart today. shame, girl.

thanks queer!

sinner!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! go little ginger gay!!!

dorothy zbornak was right

listen to the wise words of mister dorothy z on this world aids day